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Relationships: The Link Between Self & Others

Interrelatedness is inherently inbuilt in the matrix of life; it makes us all crave for deep bonding in our relationships. It is only through meaningful relationships that one feels fulfilled. However, our tendency to focus outward leads us to seek fulfilment from others, creating expectations and a desire for control. This pattern can spiral into a harmful blame game, gradually eroding our sense of contentment and leaving us disenchanted.

What causes conflict in a relationship

Generally, a majority of the issues that create conflict in relationships revolve around communication, money and sex. These issues cause a loss of trust, lead to poor communication, lack of respect in interactions, a difference in priorities, and reduced or negligible intimacy. The problems that sprout through these seeds are deeply rooted in our past programming and belief patterns, which are stored in the subconscious mind- comprising a significant 95% of the collective mind!

However, we continue living in misery, unaware of the fact that the quality of our relationship with others depends on that one most important relationship in our lives – the one we have with our self. How we treat ourselves, how we view ourselves, what opinion we hold of ourselves is mirrored by our external world. It becomes the benchmark of how we are treated and perceived by others. As we focus on the vibrancy of our life experiences, we make a choice to grow through them. The energy signature and vibrational frequency of our thoughts, emotions and belief systems is stored in our cellular structures which echoes back to us. In other words, we are the creators of our reality.

Forming relationships over a lifetime – Starting at the Womb

Our first relationship begins with our mother even before we find our place in her womb. Remarkably, the egg that eventually develops into our being is formed during our mother’s time in her own mother’s womb.

Hence the impactful events faced by our grandmother during her pregnancy leave its imprint on the egg which creates us. In addition, consciousness being eternal, our tendencies or samskaras are carried over across time and space. The intricate coding of our bodily hardware is shaped by the thoughts, emotions, and belief systems of our own mother, as well as the emotional legacy passed down through ancestral lines.

Till the first 7 years of our life, the programs are downloaded from our environment and absorbed, creating the software in our subconscious mind which runs our life.

The version of us which presents itself to the world and relates with it, is thus a conglomeration of
multiple software in our subconscious programming. These act as the driving force behind our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours- which attract to us people, situations and circumstances matching our vibrational frequency. Our subconscious mind is a immensely more powerful than our conscious mind. Our behaviour, thoughts and emotions run by it and in time acquire a compulsiveness of their own.

The belief patterns formed through past emotional experiences affect our future

It has been observed that people who as children have been a witness to parental conflict or used as pawns in their conflict are impacted deeply. Their definition and associations of intimacy is often conditioned by what they have seen and experienced and absorbed. The patterns are sometimes lived out across generations.

To illustrate, consider a case in which the father is emotionally violent and controlling to the mother, who suffers silently and helplessly. The child mentally resists against this circumstance, and as a result of the emotions that arise within her, she may resolve to be a rescuer to the mother while harbouring deep anger towards the father. This early childhood trauma may result in persistent clashes with men, negatively compromising her personal and professional life.

Similarly, a child who identifies with her mother's powerlessness may attract dominant personalities that do not offer her respect or space until she breaks free of patterns and courageously stands up for herself.

Help yourself - Take a moment to reflect on your own relationships

Accessing the subconscious is an age-old method; there is a proper path to reach this space that holds deep wisdom. The technique to access these quiet corners within you needs determination and courage. The techniques must be well understood and learnt under the guidance of an experienced therapist. It could be overwhelming to try to guide yourselves through these memories and emotional patterns buried in the subconscious. For such moments seek help, however helping yourself daily through a few self-empowering tools could start unfolding a process of healing deep within you. 

- What are those early memories that may have shaped your life patterns and choices?
- How would you describe the relationship between your parents?
- What do you deeply believe about how your mother or father lived their life?

The current relationship issues arise as it gets viewed through the lens of our past experiences and the subconscious programs stored therein. To resolve our current relationship issues, we need to go within to the point of origin of the issue to decode the programs and free ourselves from the grip of toxicity. This will enable us to operate from our ‘adult self’ and take accountability for our present relationships. We then begin to make wise choices and create new empowering mind sets allowing meaningful relationships to flourish.

About the Author
Anita Sehgal is a former banker and stockbroker. A transpersonal regression therapist, she was awarded the Mahila Shiromani Award at the Rashtrapati Bhavan. Anita is the founder of Mind and Beyond -

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